Dear Abby: Gaslighting husband has got to go

DEAR ABBY I have been married to my husband for nearly years and lived with him for three years before marrying him How do you deal with a narcissistic husband I am tired of the manipulation the fights he has caused and then made to look like I was to blame The worst part is how he has punished me He often gives me the silent recovery not for a day or two but for weeks sometimes months He comes from an abusive upbringing and even though I have tried to show him what he s doing is wrong I can t seem to get through to him I mentioned therapy once and he responded with a big fat NO The last episode was when he sent me a text message claiming I informed one of my friends how abusive he is to me and that the police were at our home inquiring about the situation My friends know we have fights but abuse has NEVER been mentioned I contacted the police the next day and of program there never was a police officer at our home the day before I am so mad at him that I haven t spoken to HIM in more than two months I have no idea what to do I hope you can help SILENT NO MORE IN CANADA DEAR SILENT NO MORE Your husband is more than narcissistic he is also emotionally abusive and sadistic That you have tolerated his behavior for years assuming that it didn t start until after your marriage is shocking The help you need is as close as the office of a licensed marriage and family therapist not for him but for YOU Consult one and you will learn how dysfunctional your husband is and hopefully find the courage to leave and live the life you deserve DEAR ABBY A very dear longtime friend I ll call Lois lives a scant hours from us in her vacation home We used to visit and sometimes spend the night there but her house smells awful The smell has worsened over time We never spend the night there now and our visits are shorter Lois has invariably owned one or more indoor dogs that she lets outside to go to the bathroom They also have access to a special room inside where they can do their business but they also go everywhere Her ability to clean up after them has diminished For years we have avoided telling her why we have shortened our visits Her husband died in the last few days and we should be helping but we feel unwell being there If you think we should tell her how should we do it We don t want to hurt or embarrass her LOST FOR WORDS IN THE SOUTH D EAR LOST If Lois ASKS why you no longer visit the way you used to tell her the truth Explain that you care about her but the odor which she s likely so used to that she doesn t notice makes you and your husband feel unwell Suggest that allowing her dogs to use her house as a bathroom may not be healthy for her either and offer to help her find a cleaning crew to get the place back in order Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren also known as Jeanne Phillips and was founded by her mother Pauline Phillips Contact Dear Abby at www DearAbby com or P O Box Los Angeles CA To order How to Write Letters for All Occasions send your name and mailing address plus check or money order for U S funds to Dear Abby Letter Booklet P O Box Mount Morris IL - Shipping and handling are included in the price